SNOBS: Stories

St Nicholas Old Boys

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Have you got any stories or memories of your time at the school such as when Gary Clark stuck his leg through the crystal staircase and Howard Silver collected the lumps of flesh and kept them? Or when Smythe-Ross's frog escaped from his blazer pocket during Mrs Todd's physics lesson? Anonymity guaranteed - and thanks to those who have contributed so far!


The Evil Weed (part1) The Rev W. Houghton (SNOBmaster: Divinity) was an avowed anti-smoker and to warn his boys of the perils of the weed would apparently bring in a cancer-riddled lung in a jar of formaldehyde and pass it around the form. The former user of the lung was, according to some boys, Houghton himself. Allegedly, the day came when the old Rev was a little unwell and dropped the specimen during class. It is not recorded if the front row simultaneously vomited, but I would not be at all surprised. Houghton also could never remember his pupils names and therefore yelled "Archibald!" when he wanted a particular boy's attention, spraying spittle everywhere through his loose fitting dentures. Decent enough old geezer though, it is said.		Ear damage in the JCR Not just from loud music either as tales reach us, here in SNOBS Towers, of damage to (SNOB 1977) Dave Mumby's ears. The cause was, curiously, a pair of suspenders worn by a SMOG shortly after the merger. What Dave's ears were doing there is anyone's guess but doutbtless the lady involved (whose name we know!) would prefer to remain anonymous. A fiver buys our silence!
Did Che Guevara teach at St Nicks? It has been pointed out that several SNOBmasters bore a remarkable likeness to the fabled Bolivian revolutionary, Che Guevara. Perhaps, 1970s fashions were responsible but suspicions remain that one or two shared more than just a physical resemblance which may have extended into philosophical, political and economic indoctrination of young minds in deepest Eastcote.		Was Hawley a Soviet spy? In 1976, in the depths of the Cold War, Mr Hawley made two trips to the Soviet Union using the cover of an innocent geography teacher leading groups of schoolboys. Rumour has it that he (almost) engaged in black market trading with KGB agents on Gorky Street. Twenty Roubles and a pair of old Levi's for any further information (please deposit in the old dustbin behind the bike sheds)
Who shot Bill Gardner? Bill Gardner was a temporary Maths teacher who left in 1975. A large chap, he was notoriously er....robust with his pupils. Fondly remembered for belting boys around the head and even picking them up and dropping them over the back of his shoulder during cricket matches, he managed to incur the wrath of someone who, it is alleged, shot him with an airgun as he crossed the playground. The mystery is......was it a pupil or member of staff?		Fighting the Commies During one of the above trips to the Soviet Union, one miserable wretch decided he would show what he thought of the world's first workers' paradise by throwing up over one of its passport officials. This same individual had enough "resources" to deliver a similar verdict on the quality of bus travel. Must have been great travelling with him..... Anyone remember his name?
The "real" first trip to the Soviet Union.....In 1966 St Nick's started an O Level Course in Russian supported by the authorities in an attempt to encourage contacts between east and west. Twelve boys from St Nicks started the course, but it was rapidly whittled down to a handful. The teacher was Mr Emmans and he taught the diminishing group throughout the 1966/7 school year. Sadly he left after the first year, leaving the remaining bunch teacherless as no-one else on the staff spoke Russian. The answer was to send the remaining interested pupils to St Mary's where we joined the girls' class taken by Miss Betty Belton, a delightful teacher who managed to propel and encourage our interest throughout the whole second year up to the O Level exam. I well remember those trips, several times a week, across the great divide between the 2 schools much to the envy of many of my class mates. At St Mary's, she organised lunch time "Russian Club" where all sorts of activities went on, and as pupils from beyond the divide, we were always made welcome. There was an all-England trip to the USSR planned for the summer of 1969 which Betty Belton encouraged us to go on, and we duly set off on an overland coach trip to Lvov and Kiev and had an amazing and adventurous journey along the way, including being turned away from Prague on the first anniversary of the Soviet Invasion of Czechoslovakia. They were good days, and the trip itself is another story, but you will forgive me if I claim the 1969 trip as the "First Trip to the USSR". Mike Pipe. (1962-9).		Further Soviet tales.... During the first (Easter) trip to Russia in April 1976 certain boys (from the 1974 list) sold Wrigley's chewing gum to the locals at about 25 or 30p a stick. Their economics studies helped them discover that it was even more profitable if they sold the gum loose, filled the wrappers up with cardboard, and sold that as well. On arrival at Moscow airport, someone was already being extensively searched. Then along came a 6th former whose hand luggage contained several items of unsavoury reading material. He opened up the bag for the official, with the mags clearly visible on top, and was just waived through. One night in Leningrad, a certain Master McGill was "taken poorly" and had to go to hospital for a stomach pumping, accompanied by the one and only John Hawley, who had to make his own way back to the hotel the next day by public transport - in his pyjamas, dressing gown and slippers.
Buried treasure During the early 1970's several sports trophies were stolen from the school. Rumours now circulating around Wormwood Scrubs suggest that they were buried somewhere on the school playing field. Recent sightings of middle-aged men wearing anoraks and carrying metal detectors may just be a coincidence.		Tales of the JCR? In its pursuit of fact, innuendo and entertainment, this site is interested in tales of what you got up to in the JCR. We know of bras being removed during the morning coffee break (for you chaps who left before 1977 that's probably something you missed out on) and water fights which damaged the floor but we reckon there are some much better stories out there. Send them in! Anonymity guaranteed!
Ritual sacrifice, 1973 style Does anyone remember Steve Drake burning his blazer in the playground, and holding it aloft on a pole, before being escorted off the premises by Mr Birch and Chippy Armstrong?		Cahill's toothpaste fetish 1976 must have been a difficult year for St Nicks staff. Can anyone explain why, during the 1976 Under 13 XV pre-season training camp in the Lake District, Mr Cahill brushed his teeth with "Deep Heat"?
How did you spend your lunch hour? Mrs Fulljames seems to have spent one lunchtime in 1973 clearing up after a couple of Third Fomers. In the pursuit of scientific knowledge, Dave Jones and Rod Johnson decided to boil some Copper Sulphate solution in an enclosed vessel. The resulting explosion caused the bunsen burner to fall over and ignite a gas tap. Our two intrepid scientists apparently resembled Elvis fans for the rest of the day as the liquid deposited on them in the explosion began to crystallise!		Mis-spent youth.... Rumours reach SNOBS Towers that Nige Newton (1975 - and currently a leading contributor to Ruislip Online) spent most of his school time in det and most of his time out of school hanging round the gates of St Mary's. Can this be true? Further rumours suggest he could vomit on demand. We look forward to a demonstration at the next reunion.
Uniform quality Taliking of blazers (see above) - does anyone know why they were made of old blankets? And why did they give us nylon ties when they knew we would go near Bunsen burners? Wasn't it obvious they would melt?		Quaint annual rituals Each year the departing 5th form would "take" the senior prefects' room (on the first floor by the toilets). This violent exercise (perhaps in revenge for detentions handed out during the year) usually involved plenty of water as did the Lower 6th's assault on the JCR kitchen.
Computer-generated hernias Some 3 tons of sheet metal, paper tape and teletype terminals powered by half the supply from the National Grid could support about 4K of memory. The Elliot 803 was was delivered to Dr Watson's former study in the mid 70's with the assistance of several rugby teams and rapidly became Bob's (that's Mr Cole, to you) baby. How the floor took the strain remains a mystery, but it lasted long enough for Mr Cole to start the school's first computer club at which several spotty and expectant boys turned up to watch a blank screen - cutting edge technology.
Stories of the Common Room (by John Hawley) Most pupils are fortunate enough never to see inside their school’s staff common room. Just occasionally, a pupil is asked to carry in some books and you can hear the excited conversation with their peers as they go happily off down the corridor. St Nick’s common room was long, thin and cramped, rather like one of the old train corridors, and painted garden green. Charlotte Stammers, Doris Fulljames and Margaret Scott used to occupy chairs almost opposite the door and greet staff as they entered; I think one of them used to knit. I recall Margaret Scott warning me darkly that all was not as it appeared on the surface in the common room and, considering how dusty the surface was, it was just as well! There was the usual kettle and an array of chipped and dirty mugs breeding a rare variety of botulism. A cupboard on the right as one entered housed the school’s one and only Hewlett Packard calculator. I seem to recall that, in 1974, this had cost £75, which is about £500 in today’s money. Today they give them away with the cornflakes. There were daily announcements from the Head and other staff at break. Dr Watson would always knock before entering the common room, and Miss Hornsby did the same at Haydon, a practice that is, sadly, no longer observed by today’s Heads. A daily lunchtime activity was a bridge foursome that took up a central table. The players were usually Ralph Birch, Donald Plenderleith, David Rayner and Bill Hodgetts. As a newcomer in 1974, I tried to break into the group but found it very difficult, mainly because I had never played bridge before though, even now, twenty-five years on, am not very good. Actual staff meetings were rare, usually only one a term, and these were confined to Heads of Department only. There was a book kept by the Chairperson of the common room recounting every funny common room incident and every double entendre. One of the entries relates to Karla Potton, who got exasperated with directory enquiries and shouted "No, ‘S’ for Siegfried!". The book survived into Haydon days but was, I think, done away with by the new regime. A staff dinner was held near the end of each summer term at which the Chair of the Common Room would give a witty speech. I recall David Dixon’s as one of the funniest and Roger Lewis’ as one of the longest. I am pleased to say that I avoided any Common Room Committee position for the whole of my twenty-three years at the school. Eventually the dinners were thought a bit elitist and they were replaced by trips on Thames and even functions in the common room itself. We knew how to enjoy ourselves! St. Nick’s common room was no different from others of the time; there were ash trays, and talk of pupils abounded. Who had just been caned, how many and for what? There were the characters and those who hardly ever darkened the doors. No member of staff was ever allowed to get above themselves and there were the standard put-downs if one tried. The common room can be a cruel place!
"Killer" Williams meets his nemesis 1969........tough days then, back when "Killer" Williams had a bit of power in his right arm and 'British Bulldog' didn't stop until there'd been a death. It was probably Killer who suggested everybody should take up swimming. Not in summer when it might have made a nice afternoon out but in the middle of winter down at Uxbridge outdoor pool. First boy to dive in always got concussion but the rest just jumped into the hole in the ice made by his head. Perhaps the theory was that it was easier to learn to swim in buoyant slush. Poor Mr Williams had to stand around dressed like Michelin man in layers of coats and his University scarf around his head in case he got chilly . Some pupils were always worried that he might burn his mouth on the mugs of Bovril he used to sip in between hooking out some frozen boy who'd forgotten how to breathe. Then one Wednesday afternoon, when the survivors had grown up to become 5C, they were struggling up and down the muddy pitch nearest St.Mary's in the sleet. Plugging away at their version of rugby. Killer was so bored he picked up the ball and did little swerves and jinks around the boys. 'Tackle me someone!' he yelled. So twenty eight boys did. Piling in with arms and legs flying and the ball popping out of his arms and still they tackled - driving him into the mud. A glorious moment that lasts longer and gets more satisfyingly violent every time those who participated remember it. Ah yes, you younger SNOBs were safe from that day on, he was never the same - and was his final humiliation looking up to see the sixth form of St Mary's looking down on his shame from their maths class? Perhaps we'll never know.
St Nicks best ever rugby side? In the summer of 1976, John Hawley took his First Form rugby squad to Satterthwaite in the Lake District (the scene of Mr Cahill's Deep Heat experience - see above). The team had had made a fair start in the 1975-76 season for, although three games had been won to six lost, the points were only marginally against them (130 to 128 scored). Furthermore, the team had won the Hillingdon Borough U'12 Championship. This was the first time St Nick's had entered the competition, and in it the team scored 124 points to only 8 against. Dave Josey at fly-half scored ten of the tries, including the winning one against Bishopshalt. The pre-season training camp, staying in the church hall, must have worked wonders for male-bonding, for the following season 16 games were played with 14 won, 1 drawn and only 1 lost (away to Reigate)! In total 576 points were scored and 102 conceded. Stephen Chung scored 144 points, Stuart Beck 124, Dave Josey 80 and Andrew Neal 50. The team picked up a further trophy in the Borough 7's with 92 points scored against 12 conceded. John Hawley recalls how hard the team trained, even in the semi-dark, on frozen surfaces, and the fantastic team spirit. He would love to hold a reunion and urges ex-team members to contact him via the staff list on the SNOBS site. For the record the team (6 or more first team games) were: Robert Anderson (Captain), Stuart Beck, Stephen Chung, Chris Hardy, Alistair Hardwick, Michael Hennessy, Guy Horchover, Adrian Hopson, Dave Josey (Captain v Ricky), Robin Jones, Gary Keegan (Captain), Andrew Neal (Captain v Northwood), Colin Reap (Captain), Tony Wood, Neil Wray, Ian Mitchell, Paul Maynard, Michael Gislingham.
Or was the 1964/5 Under14 team better? They produced players for both England (Graham Curd) and Middlesex (Bill Ody). Beat that Mr Hawley!		Late News Flash: Cricket Result 1976 St Nicholas Under 14 versus Haberdashers. Haberdashers batted first and put on 195 for 5. Following a plentiful tea St Nicholas replied with 30 all out and spent the rest of the week in detention. Mr Noble is reported to be "very angry".
An even worse cricket team... We have just heard about an Abbots cricket team from the mid-70s who were all out for 6 runs. Rumour has it that most of the team have been recruited for England.

Any more news? Send it to . Thanks!